We all know how much people change when they've had a couple of drinks, some more than others. You may have your school friends sussed now, knowing who's most likely to cry and who's most likeky to end up thrown out of the club - but uni will introduce you to a whole new range of drunk people to get to grips with. Have you encountered the 'All Rounder' or 'the Professional' yet? No? What a treat you have to look forward to!
We can all probably appreciate from personal experience just how hard it is to keep your drunk alter-ego in check, but which of these best sums you up?
1) The Happiest Person in the World
Symptoms: Compulsive drink buying, screaming along to songs, flamboyant dance moves, an embarrassing over-enthusiasm
Result: This person will both make the night out and drive you crazy, though that’s probably only because you wish you were having as much fun as them.
Likely to hear: “What a fantastic evening, let’s do it all again tomorrow man”
2) The Professional
Symptoms: Absolutely none, they’re just cool.
Result: If you hadn’t been there to witness how much they’d drunk at pre-drinks you wouldn’t believe they were even drunk at all. These cool cats have the enviable ability of being able to drink huge amounts without turning into an imbecile, making you feel even more stupid when you end up in a heap on the floor. Just to make you feel better, live in the knowledge that this obscene alcohol tolerance probably just means they’re alcoholics.
Likely to hear: “Start predrinks at 5?”
3) The Crier
Symptoms: Red eyes, face engulfed in a tissue and tears, lots of them.
Result: Likely to be spotted wandering aimlessly around the streets outside the club, shoeless and wailing. It doesn’t matter how you try to comfort them, your efforts will always be futile - all sense of rationality is lost as soon as ‘the Crier’ knocks back their first tequila. Be it their ex, their family, or the fact KFC is closed, there is always some issue that warrants a tsunami of tears.
Likely to hear: Lots of sniffing, choked sobs and streams of drivel which very vaguely resemble words
4) The Super Aggy
Symptoms: Loss of sense of humour, extreme paranoia, heightened aggression
Result: Also known as the ultra-paranoid. These unfortunate characters suddenly evolve into scarily uptight and confrontational individuals when the alcohol kicks in. For some unknown reason, the reaction of the alcohol with their body seems to rid them of any sense of humour they may have once had. Jokes made at their expense which would usually spark a chuckle from them alongside a well thought out come-back, are now interpreted as a ‘diss’. Watch your back with this species, the ‘super aggy’ are not to be messed with.
Likely to hear: “You what m8. ****ing **** i’m gonna beat the **** out of his ******* ***”.
5) The Sentimental
Symptoms: Uncontrollable urge to hug everyone in sight, lots of gushing.
Result: It’s all just too much for the Sentimental, it suddenly becomes clear after a couple of doubles exactly how much they love every single person they’ve ever met. This person will make you feel amazingly special, gushing about how much they love you and how cool you are, until it starts getting plain creepy. Will almost certainly end up making plans to go for lunch with Polly from their seminar, then awkwardly avoiding making eye contact when they next see each other sober.
Likely to hear: ‘“Omg you are, like, so pretty!! Why don’t we talk more!?”
6) The Texter
Symptoms: Compulsive texting, composition of incoherent messages and terrible spelling.
Result: Reluctance to speak to anyone unless it’s their ex, their significant other or a friend from home, whom it’s suddenly imperative they must get hold of. Other than hijacking their phone there’s little you can do for them other than be there to comfort the poor souls the next morning when they see the carnage they have caused.
Likely to hear: Nothing, they’ll just be in the corner sending ridiculous messages to as many people as possible.
7) The Yob
Symptoms: An uncontrollable need to impress friends and general ‘thug-like’ behaviour
Result: In a misguided attempt to impress their pals, these characters like to get a laugh or two through what many would describe simply as ‘thuggish’ behaviour. Be it kicking bins over, smashing bottles or throwing the remains of their kebab over the street floor - no one wants to be stuck with one of these on the walk home. Especially if you’re the sober one left to deal with the consequences of their destructive rampage.
Likely to hear: “Wouldn’t it be funny if I was a massive legend and kicked this bin over”
8) The Touchy Feely
Symptoms: Excessive hugging, loss of comprehension of the term ‘personal space’, excessive and unnecessary touching, prolonged eye contact
Result: a.k.a. The Predator. Be it completely innocent, or definitely, well...not, ‘the Predator’ is always an interesting character to encounter on a night out. Whether it’s a complete stranger you just met at the bar who takes ‘yes, i’m fine thank you’ as an invitation to kiss you; or a good friend who suddenly just wants to hug all night in their alcohol altered state - detach yourself ASAP and observe their antics from a safe distance.
Likely to hear: Not much, but you’ll certainly feel it.
9) The Corpse
Symptoms: A nice even coating of vomit covering their clothes, jagerbomb stains on shirt, glazed and bloodshot eyes, inability to stand.
Result: Grab your popcorn and watch the show as this individual descends from a normal functioning human through the phases until they wind up crumpled in a heap in the gutter outside the club. Once they’re down they’re not getting up again, just wanting to sleep wherever they fall, they’ll be stuck in their comatose state until the morning. If monitored carefully, they can often be spotted early on as the one in the corner at pre-drinks quietly drinking 3 drinks in the time it takes everyone else to finish 1.
Likely to hear: “No really i’m fine, you don’t need to look after me” between bouts of sick.
10) The ‘All Rounder’
Symptoms: All of the above
Result: This lunatic somehow manages to work through all of these stages in just one night before finally collapsing in their bed. Usually hyperactive and avid fans of a big night out, these people believe themselves to be top boozers. They are also the characters everyone dreads being lumped with on a night out; impossible to control and with capabilities to cause mayhem in a whole manner of ways, ditch them and run while you still can. Spare a thought for the all rounder though, the next morning their hangover will always be worse than anyone else’s.
Likely to hear: “Mate, i’m so so drunk. I love uni”