The Scots hate the English, and the English hate the French, and the French hate everybody, but this does not make England itself united, as the South and the North have been locked in rivalry for centuries. The world has seen few battles come close to this almighty North-South war. Even from the colossal clash of David and Goliath of Greece, to the more domestic handbags-at-dawn clash of Nick and David of number ten, the world cannot compete.
With the move to university many of you may have noticed this! Some of you may be northern in the South (you pour souls) and others may be southern in the North (welcome to salvation), and you may be in a current state of confusion as to your allegiances. I am here to help and put an end to this rivalry all together. It is time we all accept the North is a superior place and move past this.
Here is my reasoning for the North being the centre of the world…
The North is a beautiful place with culture, beauty, and many-a-Greggs! The South is… London and a few of his quieter, more boring friends. But before I address the superiority of the North, I must make a rallying cry. There’s always that one friend that just isn’t sure whose side of the argument they are actually on. Sound familiar Birmingham? You may be further South than the rest of us but your accent is far too simple to be part of the South, and they just do not want you. Labelling yourselves the ‘Midlands’ is like voting for LibDem – it’s a cop out, you’re boring and you will have no impact on England. Join us.
“But, the South has numerous wonderful landmarks which makes it so great” I hear you cry! And, right you are! Lest we forget about these fantastic attractions! There’s Big Ben in London, Buckingham Palace in London, the London Eye in London… and I think Bristol has a chippy or something. After all, who needs the Blackpool illuminations when you can sit bumper to bumper in traffic and look out across the fantastic array of Technicolor break-lights as you make your way to Buckingham Palace? Unfortunately, your big clock, big tax-collecting haven and big moving circle are a bit rubbish and all in London – I’m unimpressed.
Southern travel systems simply do not make sense to us northerners. Your options are sit in traffic, or get on a bus, and then it all of a sudden becomes an ITV game show to try and get on the bus! Not only does the bus transform into a magic trick of 100 clowns in one car, as billions of people fit into one bus – but the driver is expecting an oyster card. What on earth is an oyster card? I want a Day Rider, why are we discussing deep-sea cuisine?
However, it must be noted that those down south have managed to do something fantastic and build an underwater tunnel! How revolutionary! How world-changing! Where does it go? Somewhere exotic? Somewhere where everybody loves us? Or is it to the French?
Even Cornwall don’t want to be part of ‘the South’. They speak Cornish and everything.
Speaking of language, it must be noted that the North win in yet another department of modern culture! The beautiful accents in the North are that to be envied. Granted, the scousers do struggle, but the rest of us have a beautiful multicultural variety of accents. The Geordies can make the most serious of epic poems sound like a Dr Seuss book… and is that not how we want to live our lives? In happiness!
Also, one thing that all these northern accents share is the pronunciation of the word bath. It’s baff. Don’t make this four letter word longer than it should be. I don’t have the time to label this word a baaaaarth. Give me strength.
There are rumours circulating that those in the South believe that the origin of an Arctic Monkey is the actual arctic and not Sheffield. It has also been discovered that the South consider a Happy Monday as simply a bank holiday. And, it is also being investigated that some do not value the musical talents of the Princess of Newcastle, Cheryl Cole… okay maybe I’ve gone too far! My point still stands though – the North have supplied the South with beautiful music for centuries gone by. There would be no One Direction without The Beatles (actually, maybe this is a reason to dislike The Beatles). You must respect us in the beautiful North for the happy times we have given you through fantastic melodies.
WE MUST UNITE
So students, there is one thing you must learn from your time at university, and it is the true value of the North. Northerners unite, as it is down to us to show these southerners what the beautiful North is like. Southerners, embrace us, we will only improve you as human beings.
It is vital now, more than ever, that we create a strong bond. With the Scottish recently attempting to become independent (bless them), it is only a matter of time before they try again, and they will eventually succeed. When they do, they will try to annex the North and we cannot allow this to happen. Because if there’s one thing worse than being southern… it’s being Scottish.