1. Over-excited at Freshers’ drunk
You’ve just arrived at uni, you’ve met your flatmates, you’re free from the rules of your parent’s house and you decide to celebrate by getting completely trashed on either cheap squash and vodka or Lambrini. There’s a 90% chance you’ll throw up twice before you make it to the SU, possibly in the sink in your bedroom, or out of the window whilst kneeling on your desk.
2. Early morning lecture drunk
This is the type of drunk when you’ve been up until 7 drinking and chatting and someone reminds you that you have 9am lecture. You’ll stagger into class and fall asleep at the back, with your professor throwing you disappointed glances as you struggle not to dribble on the shoulder of the person next to you.
3. Lost drunk
Typically happens on campus in your first week. You’re making your way from a flat-party back to your warm bed, and you’re drunk and cold and all of the halls look the same. Ask a friendly third-year for help. Don’t sit on a wall and start sobbing.
4. Sports soc drunk
Involves a lot of obscure drinking games, comprising incomprehensible rules and an unnerving amount of bodily fluids.
5. Uni field trip drunk
This may take the form of a sophisticated glass or three at a play for your English course or persuading someone to do tequila suicides whilst stranded in the Highlands of Scotland on a Geography field trip.
6. Taxi refusal drunk
You’re absolutely microwaved and either you or a friend has projectile vomited out of the window of your taxi. You’ll have to walk home, possibly in the snow, and think about what you’ve done.
7. Post-exam drunk
Exams are over, and you’re celebrating! But it probably won’t be much fun because you’ll be terrified about getting your results and therefore every jagerbomb will be tinged with fear.
8. House-party drunk
If it’s your house party, you really let loose and have to be put to bed at 10pm. If it’s someone else’s you’ll really let loose because you don’t have to worry about clearing up any mess but you’ll have to surreptitiously be sick in their downstairs loo.
9. Cold drunk
It’s second year! And you’ve moved into a new house with your best friends and you’ll have to pay the heating bill. Gloves, scarf, duvet on the sofa and drinking to feel warmer.
10. Drunk with your lecturers
Happens by accident at those odd end-of-year parties your department holds that people only go to for the free food and drink. Be prepared to feel mortified for the next term about sidling up to that sexy professor and half-heartedly flirting with them over a bowl of cheese puffs.
11. Dissertation denial
It’s fine, it’s only 10,000 words, you’ve already written 2376 and there’s a whole month and a half left. Now is the perfect time to go out and have eight pints.
12. Dissertation hand-in drunk
It’s done! All that hard work and three years of slaving away are over! Crack open the prosecco and start panicking about the footnote style guide even though there’s nothing you can do to change it now...
13. Final year denial drunk
You’re still a student! Even though everything’s been handed in and you’re frantically job hunting, your library card won’t expire for another two months! Time to partayyy like the young wild thing you are! In reality, you’ll drink half a bottle of wine and fall asleep two-thirds of the way through a game of scrabble because that’s what happens now.
Drinking with your parents, mostly. They’ll probably buy a few rounds because they’re proud of you, so milk it as much as you can because you’ve maxxed out your student overdraft.