It’s the last week of term and no doubt you and your housemates are ready to set your kitchen alight with the most incredible slap up Christmas meal ever. Sure, the kitchen is tiny and the oven is useless but with your combined expertise and best tips from mum there’s no reason the ultimate feast isn’t within reach.
The key to success for this monstrous challenge is getting all the help you can get. Even if it involves tasking the culinary idiot with paper chain production, you can divvy up the jobs to make light work of the prep and most importantly, get to the finish line and sit down to your well-earned (and basted) turkey without mass falling out, blowing the kitchen up and food poisoning.
If you could use the flat next door's oven and maybe the one above you too, you might be in with a chance of getting the 10 types of veg you ambitiously decided to cook done in time. To really up the chance of success, invite your neighbours along so they can share the workload. If they are unsociable grinches, just nab their hobs and send a couple of left over spuds as a thank you.
Tactically select the washer up
Identify the select few who are useless at cooking, (most likely those that try to microwave pizzas or boil milk in the kettle) and put them on washing up duty. Everyone likes to help out but some are just not cut out for cranberry sauce production so having delegated washers to keep pots and pans at the ready as you cook up a storm will help everything run a little smoother.
Don’t do it after a big night out
Cooking a Christmas meal is a big commitment and shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you're planning on cooking it after everyone’s been out until 4am downing absinthe, there probably isn’t going to be much enthusiasm or help. Even if you manage to cook a half decent meal, you don’t want everyone struggling to chow down their turkey just to chuck it up a few minutes later.
Be nice to the chef in the halls
There is always one housemate who is a whizz in the kitchen (i.e. the most popular person in halls) and it’s especially important to be extra nice to them before the Christmas meal. To really pull this off and produce something actually edible, you’re going to need their help. Plus, they are the only people likely to have a roasting dish big enough to take a turkey.
Don’t set the Christmas pudding ALight
Just turning on a hob has the potential to set off a fire alarm in many halls, so doing expansive kitchen production is unlikely to go well. Whilst a flaming Christmas pudding is part of the big day, save the brandy to shot later and don’t set light to the Christmas pudding….or light Christmas scented candles, or maybe even have party poppers. The last thing you want is to be evacuated because the fire alarm went off and to come back to a cold turkey dinner.
Know your measurements
Size matters! No-one is going to care that the £35 turkey looked amazing in the shop if it doesn’t fit in your oven. Before your eyes get bigger than the oven, check what size turkey you can realistically cook. You don’t want to be the person who has to explain to everyone that you injured yourself trying to force a turkey in the oven!
Get A chocolate Fountain
It's the only dessert you can guarantee that everyone will want a poke out, no matter how full they are after your epic Christmas dinner. You'll probably be too lazy to get it out ever again, but it will be worth it just for your Christmas meal.
Be more original with secret santa
Of course you need a secret Santa with the inevitable array of adult toys and novelty mugs bought for under £10, but why not get creative with it? You could donate a goat to an overseas farming community in someone’s' name or make a bet they'll live to 100 and give them the betting slip. Anything which isn’t a mug with ‘t**t’ on the side.
Please No Photos
Generally everyone knows what a Christmas dinner looks like so they probably don't need to see yours on Instagram. But if you’re unable to resist the urge to photograph a plate of turkey and vegetables, don't make it worse by using #yum or #chrimbo. You don’t want to down-stage your epic culinary masterpiece.
Hope you all have a delicious Christmas meal and enjoy your holidays.