Firstly: Let's define a Cheeky Nando's
1. The ordering system is ridiculously stressful and completely counter-intuitive.
Seriously, can anyone actually remember the entire table’s order, the table number, and to pick up cutlery and serviettes on the way back? No. There is nothing fun about this.
2. The prices are nonsense
£4.40 for ¼ of a chicken? Pull the other wing. Speaking of which, £9.95 for 10 wings? Don’t get me wrong, those little gristly flaps of bone and skin and a tiny bit of actual chicken are delicious, but definitely not worth a quid each. Find a local PFC instead.
3. Bottomless diabetes
For just £2.60, you can drink yourself into sugar-filled oblivion. And don’t get me started on those freaks that mix Coke, Fanta and Sprite. There’s a special place in restaurant hell reserved just for them.
4. Kids on a sugar high
Fuelled by those insane bottomless drinks, they’ll scream and climb on the table and accidentally get peri-peri sauce all over your shoes before being sick. Relaxing.
5. The overpriced chickens aren’t even happy chickens
Sorry to keep banging on about those prices, but a Nando’s whole chicken costs £12.75. They may well be raised to Red Tractor standards (barns with daylight and pecking objects and hay bales), but you can pick up a free range chicken from Asda for £6.84 and give it your own peri-peri sauce massage with half the guilt and a much fuller wallet.
6. Weird peri-peri marinades
I don’t know about you, but I can’t tell the difference between Mango & Lime, Lemon & Herb and Medium. And anyone who orders Extra Hot just to show off or ‘impress’ their date is a complete idiot.
7. Absolutely pants veggie options
I know, I know, Nando’s is a CHICKEN restaurant, but it isn’t exactly fair on the only veggie at the rugby society social. The Portobello Mushroom and Grilled Halloumi burger tastes like rubbery, wet, squeaky sadness. I’m also upset that the ‘Beanie’ is described as ‘pulsating with lentils’. I get that it’s a pun, but it sounds slightly sexual, and very gross.
8. The farce that is the Nando’s Black Card
Who needs free food? In an age where 424 food banks give out enough emergency food every year to feed more than 1.1 million people, Nando’s answer seems to be celebrities such as Ed Sheeran - a man worth about $60 million. But there is good news - when Bipolar Sunshine and Jazz Purple were presented with a Black Card after playing at Lovebox, they decided to use theirs to feed the homeless.
9. The garlic bread debacle
It’s not garlic bread, it’s sad, oily, lemon shaped toast.
10. A nice side of bankruptcy
A large mash shouldn’t cost a fiver. It’d be cheaper to buy a potato farm. And farmer dungarees.
11. Suspicious tax techniques
In 2014, a story broke that pointed out that, by putting your cash through a series of accounting devices involving Panama, the British Virgin Islands and Malta, Nando’s can legally reduce its UK corporation tax bill by up to a third. This seems a little unfair, especially as some of us have had to take out student loans of £27,000 to get an education and pay for our spicy chicken. Hmm.
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