Christmas is the absolute worst, and we're here to tell you why.

1. Unnecessarily Festive Takeaway Food

idiot sandwich


If I see another Christmas Pret sandwich, Starbucks gingerbread latte, or Greggs Festive Bake then I’m going to scream. Please leave my food untainted by the abomination that is stuffing.

2. Rubbish Christmas Films

love actually snl


Will Ferrell is the absolute worst, and Elf should be thrown onto a fire. Love Actually isn’t much better, what with Alan Rickman being an absolute arse to Emma Thompson and Andrew Lincoln being terrifyingly obsessed with Keira Knightley.

3. Awful Christmas Lunch

billy bob thornton


A well-cooked Christmas lunch is a thing of wonder, but it’s far more likely that the turkey won’t fit in the oven, the gravy will be lumpy, the Brussels Sprouts will kick off a heated argument about Brexit and the dog will steal someone’s roast potatoes.

4. Christmas Pudding

christmas pudding

It’s too round, and setting fire to it causes untold chaos.

5. Relatives



Christmas, that wonderful time of year when people who don’t know or like each other are forced to spend days pent up in the same house with a crushing pressure to have fun and enough alcohol to floor a small army. It’s not surprising that most divorce proceedings start just after the holidays.

6. Soul-Destroying Christmas music



Listening to too much cheesy Christmas music is actually bad for your health, and Michael Bublé deserves to be put to work in Santa’s workshop with all the other unpaid elves for creating ‘Christmas’.

7. The living hell that is Christmas travel



Chris Rea has clearly never spent 3 hours on an overpriced train, standing by the loos with a heavy rucksack and a pram digging into his shins just to see his family for a week, or he wouldn’t have made such a cheerful winter commuting anthem.

8. Carol Singers

carol singers


At any other time of the year, if a group of people in tinsel-clad cardigans interrupted your dinner by hammering on your door and singing in an off-key manner while aggressively demanding that you give them money, you’d call the police. But in December, anything goes.

9. Shops

christmas shopping


If you value your sanity, stay the heck away from shops at Christmas. They’re full of screaming children, broken ornaments and sales assistants on the verge of punching customers.

10. Christmas lights

whoville the grinch


What’s that eerie blue light shining through your bedroom window and irreversibly damaging your retinas? That’s right, it’s your neighbours' Christmas lights! They’ve gone to every effort to recreate Whoville on their front lawn, complete with Santa’s butt sticking out of the chimney, flashing bulbs that need a health warning and a determination to contribute to both global warming and light pollution.

11. Presents



Having to buy presents when you have no money, then pretending to like the awful presents that your family buy you is the absolute worst.

12. Weather



And to top it all off, there’s no chance of a white Christmas. It will be 7 degrees and raining

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