Just be a slender, girly, perfectly made-up submissive being, whilst also having your own personality and being one of the lads. It's REALLY not that hard.


1. Women must of course look attractive at all times and no society doesn’t care that it’s the BUCS Women’s Football final. Stay hot and don’t you dare sweat.

2. After that Cup Final, or any other exercise, or hot day, or a bath in a stinking cesspit, you better still smell fresh as a daisy, otherwise, you’re gross. However, its chilled if boys just spray Lynx Africa over the rugby kit they’ve reused 12 times (you should really wash their kit for them…).

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3. We are supposedly Delia Smith in the kitchen, Kim Woodburn about the house and reproducing like Michelle Duggar, but looking like Megan Fox whilst doing it. There’s a reason we can’t have all of these talents at once, and it is to preserve the male ego.

4. Women should be smart! … but not too smart … not smarter than this MANLY man over here. Even if you’re an astrophysicist, the man with a Wilko’s telescope is probs better at space.

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5. Having a house party? Better clean up! Your male friends are having a house party, not even at your house and you didn’t even attend, or step onto the premises? Better clean up!

6. “A nice white wine spritzer for the lady?” the ogling barman suggests, your request for a pint of ale could send him into cardiac arrest. Better drink your cup of fizzy piss.

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7. A child has crossed the boundary onto campus, all women must start advancing on the child, cooing and lactating, immediately. It’s just basic maternal instinct.

8. Whilst maintaining your motherly charm don’t forget to also be one of the lads. You know that joke about women’s nipples was funny, even if it was offensive and inaccurate, laugh! Oh! But don’t be masculine, giggle like the glittery pink unicorn that all women have in their souls.

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9. Have the perfect face, hair, body and boobs all the time. But don’t wear too much make-up, hair extensions, push up bras or Spanx - that’s false advertising. Because obviously life is just an opportunity for us women to market ourselves off to men.

10. Flirt with boys! Woah… not too much, you slag!! Hey… not that little, you frigid prude!!

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11. Whatever you do, do not mention the word *toilet*. Us women obviously never need to use it, as we don’t pee, poo or fart. Ever. Our food waste just floats out of our belly buttons, in clouds of fairy dust.

12. Whip up a Filet Mignon with Dauphinoise potatoes, followed by the perfect Tart Tatin. Also, do that in ten minutes after getting back from uni and can it only cost £3? Cheers.

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13. Be the arm candy at a party, let your man make the speech, while you make him a nice drink. Don’t get too drunk.

14. Be fit, toned and slender, but not too sporty, or muscly, then you’ll look too boyish…

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15. Wear heels at parties, so your bum looks great, but walk like Behati Prinsloo in the Victoria Secret fashion show. Also, don’t be taller than the men! That would be embarrassing!!

16.   Don’t rely on men for money, but also don’t complain that you earn significantly less. Also, give up your career as soon as children are mentioned, obviously the man can’t stay at home!

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17. Always be skinny. Naturally curvy? Prefer your own body a bit bigger? Play competitive sport and are therefore muscly? Who cares. Be skinny! All the time! But also don’t eat salads… that’s not a real meal?!

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That said, don't let society tell you that as an awesome, badass, strong, powerful woman, there's ANYTHING you can't do.

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