Why do these people even exist?
Facebook is without a doubt an incredible platform that has changed the way we do things, communicate with our friends, plan parties and share awesome photos. HOWEVER, there are certain types of abhorrent behaviours on Facebook that really grind my gears and make me want to gouge my own eyes out with a blunt butter knife!
Mark Zuckerburg needs to get to work on updating the Facebook algorithm so that all status updates come with an in-built 'Doucheometer'. Updates that are seen as overly 'douchey' will automatically bring up an error message - 'Your post has failed as it was too douchey. This is your first douche warning. You have 2 douche warnings remaining before you will be permanently banned from Facebook. Don't be a douchebag!' Admittedly, this may not be good for the Facebook business model...
Are you or your friends guilty of any of these? Help me in the campaign to outlaw these Facebook behaviours by pointing any offenders in the direction of this article!

1)  Anyone that ever invites me to play Farmville or candy crush

Awesome, I've got 5 notifications! Oh wait, it's some guy I went to primary school with who I barely remember, inviting me to play Farmville or Texas Hold'Em Poker for the 50th time this year. Please kindly BORE OFF!

farmville invite

2)  Anyone overly using emoticons in their status updates

Maybe this would be acceptable if you were 12... but you're not - You're a grown adult and you're using more smilies in one sentence than Jordan has had husbands . This is only acceptable if used ironically... OMFG this is so totes amazeballs & totes made me LMFAO and ROFL so hard that it turned into a ROFLCOPTER - MEGALOLZ :) :P ;) (y) :-D 8===3 Head

Pulp fiction smiley

3) That girl that insists on posting 5 duck face selfies a day

You know, the girl that pulls the trout pout in EVERY single one of her photos and then tags herself in it. Her timeline of photos looks like the storyboard for a new Donald Duck feature. Please show us some teeth and give us a smile. Unless you're related to Derek Zoolander, this needs to be abolished -THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK... 

duck face girls

4) People sharing pictures of their babies

Congratulations, your baby looks like E.T. Thanks for polluting my newsfeed with 100s of photos of this strange, alien creature. But seriously, thanks for the reminder to always use protection...

e.t. baby

5)  that guy with a shirtless mirror selfie as their profile pic

Yes we get it, you go to the gym and I genuinely applaud your dedication BUT the problem is that you set this as your profile pic and now everyone thinks you're a massive douche...AND THEY'RE RIGHT! The snap below seems pretty legit...

6)  The intolerably boring person

This person's life is so damn dull that they feel it necessary to update their status with updates on day to day mundane activities like: 'Not enough milk for my cereal so I had to go to the corner shop to buy some more.' For the love of god, please go and lock yourself in a room for a month and grow a personality - NO-ONE CARES!

7)  The filthy Chav

Good to see good ol' Dwayne from school is doing well for himself, complete with burberry cap, ciggy behind the ear and flipping the bird in his profile pic. You know this guy's going to go far....well, not that far...McDonalds is only round the corner...if he's lucky

chav with hat

8)  The food lover

This person really grinds my gears and finds it necessary to Instagram the hell out of every dinner plate usually accompanied by the hashtag, #FoodPorn before sharing to Facebook. Well done you, you went to a restaurant, managed to order some food and then decided it was a good idea to take a photo of your plate, complete with Sepia filter. Now please do us all a favour and smash your face into your dinner and Instagram that!

instagrams of food

9)  The 'check-in' person

This avid social networker finds it necessary to check in at every location they ever go tagging all their friends in the process. X is now at the station. X is now at Nandos. X is now at uni. Thanks for continually updating your location so I know where to find you so I can punch you in the face!

Check in on Facebook

10)  The insecure, profile pic changer

This girl rotates her profile pictures approximately 3 times a day, fishing for more likes and comments on her photos such as, 'OMG, you look great girl x' when in reality, they look like they put their make-up on with a paintball gun. 

Awful Facebook Profile Picture


Seriously what is wrong with people? You're approaching 20 and you still don't know the difference between 'you're' and 'your' and you spell 'definitely' as 'definately'. Allow me to help you out with the following catchy little sentence so you don't make the same mistake again in the future - You're definitely the dumbest person I've ever met and your mum and dad are definitely related by blood... You're welcome!

People that can't spell

12)  The one with relationship issues

So and so is now in a relationship,  is now single,  it's complicated. Why this person decides to air their dirty laundry out in public, I'll never understand. As they say, the sign of a good relationship on Facebook is no sign of a relationship on Facebook - Exception to this rule is probably when you're trying to hide that you're in a relationship so you can hook up with other people...

Updating relationship status on facebook


This person finds it imperative to spam my newsfeed with 100s of pictures of their precious pet. Thank you ever so kindly for scaring the hell out of me with weird pics of your rabies-invested, skinny rat dog. If it ever comes near me, I'll kick it!

Posting pictures of pets on Facebook

14) The Ultimate Lad

Oooh look at me, I drank a truck load of alcohol last night and now I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm never drinking again... until my next status update tomorrow morning when I'll rehash the same idea to show you what a bloody LAD I am. Can also be seen to be commenting on girls profile pictures with, 'Absolutely stunning babes x' to zero response...

The Ultimate lad on Facebook

15)  The Hipster

Perhaps the most frustrating of all, this edgy, lensless-glasses wearing, bearded, beanie in the summer wearing toss pot will go out of their way to prove their edginess and unique artiness by posting photos of leaves with a black and white filter, random graffiti and pics of their bearded friends in skinny jeans at a warehouse party trippin' on....the music?

Hipsters on Facebook

16) The gusher 

This person feels the need to publicly declare their undying love to their soul mate, their best friend, their confidant, their one true love, the person that they are so lucky to have in their life and they are so happy to have met the most beautiful blah blah blahdy freakin' blah. Please may I kindly be excused while I get myself a glass of water... to rinse the partially digested food and bile that has just forcibly entered my mouth cavity from deep in my duodenum. Please do us all a favour and just tell them to their face. You are with this person all the time. In fact, you were probably sitting next to them as you posted this status! 

People declaring their love to each other on Facebook

17)  The any excuse girl

This person uses any excuse to get themselves a bit of attention and shamelessly show of their best assets. 'Just had my hair cut and I love it' complete with an aerial photo of their new haircut....and for some reason this girl is also wearing a bikini and their cleavage is taking up 80% of the photo. I'll admit it, this one makes me less angry than some of the others...

Girls on Facebook

18)  The show off

Braggodocio laced statuses include updates on their casual 100 mile bike ride before you even got out of bed, clips of them performing double flips on skis, bragging about getting 90% on their latest piece of coursework, a sub 3 hour marathon, etc. Thanks for making me feel inadaquate about my own life. Please excuse me while I eat Ben & Jerry's from the tub in front of a Sex and the City marathon (the only marathon I'll ever be doing) and have a little cry...

The show off on FacebookThe show off on Facebook

19)  The Venter

'Arrrrrrgghhhhhhhhh, Arriva buses I hate you. My bus didn't turn up and I was late for my lecture and you've ruined my whole life.' This person uses Facebook as therapy and frequently posts angry rants in the heat of the moment frequented by expletives... Ps. I do get the irony of me writing this angry rant of an article as part of my own therapy!

Having a rant on Facebook

20)  The attention seeker

Mysterious statuses include, 'OMFG, I can't believe that just happened. So upset...' This person wants you to comment with something like, 'Awww babe, what's up? Hope you're ok. Call me!' When really the only response to this knobish behaviour should be a big ol' stack of tumbleweed. Ignore them and hopefully they'll keep their ridiculous attention seeking ways to themselves in the future.

Attention seekers on Facebook

These behaviours need to be outlawed from Facebook! Do you recognise some of these traits in your mates? If so, there's only one thing to do - Subtely link them to this article encouraging them to take note of a specific number and hopefully together, we can make the world of Facebook a better place!

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