1. They’re lost
See that person over by the campus map, visibly shaking, crying juuust a little bit, and probably on the phone to their mum? Fresher. They’re trying to find the maths building but have ended up on the humanities campus by mistake.
2. The Lanyards
They insist on wearing their ID badges proudly on their lanyards like a badge of honour. We’re all aware that uni policy says you must display an ID badge at all times, but only Freshers give two hoots about this rule. They may as well be wearing a flashing sign that reads ‘I’m New And Scared’. Luckily, it makes it very easy to avoid them.
3. They’re drunk all the time
Seriously, Freshers drink like they don’t want to live anymore. You’ll find them slumped on the steps outside the library, carpeting the SU bar floor, crouched in a pool of their own bodily fluids outside halls and napping on a bench next to your 9am lecture.
4. They’re asleep all the time
Probably because they’re always drunk, Freshers can literally sleep anywhere. You’ll find them littering the computer room, snoring away without a care in the world and taking up valuable space that you could do with using to write your dissertation in.
5. They’re always naked
God only knows why, but Freshers love to get naked. Flat party? Naked. Sports initiation? Naked. Lecture? Naked.
6. They look really good
Have you seen the winged eyeliner on some of those girls? Freshers trot into uni with immaculate dewy skin, luxuriously combed eyebrows and velvety red lipstick. Little do they know that by their second year they’ll be wearing food encrusted onesies and only use lipstick for writing passive-aggressive notes on the bathroom mirror.
7. They set all the fire alarms off
It’s very common to see a herd of Freshers clad in pyjamas, dressing gowns and hastily grabbed towels, huddled outside a tall municipal building in the soft mist of a cold September morning because someone set fire to a pan of pasta & pesto that they were trying to reheat for breakfast.
8. They’re way too enthusiastic
It’s university, fellas, not Black Friday. Take it down a notch when you’re fighting each other for space in the library.
9. They’re alway eating something horrifying
Too many Freshers are packed off to uni without having a damn clue how to cook anything. As a result, they are to be found eating all sorts of weird and wonderful food combinations, from tuna & fried eggs to Nando’s sauce on toast. And they’ll probably set fire to everything.
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