The upcoming General Election will be the first for many, including myself, so I’ve taken a little more interest into it than usual. As expected lots of long words came up and lots of people in different coloured ties started to talk about things that I didn’t understand. I tried to resolve this by picking up a newspaper to understand what was going on, but funny cartoon drawings, name-calling and obvious allegiances from every newspaper led me to try to put the general election into terms I would understand.
The way I understand this general election is by thinking of Britain as a school girl on the playground looking for her next boyfriend/girlfriend (we live in modern times Daily Mail readers!).
Currently Britain is with David but is assessing her options. Britain likes a bad boy and David is that bad boy. He dresses well and talks well and everything’s going great! When he comes round to see her parents, his hair is slicked back, his fake laugh primed, and he even researches things that her dad likes so that he can relate to him – like his favourite football team, Aston Villa. And when he’s not with her parents, he’s a right slimy sod and Britain loves that. He’s wheeling and he’s dealing and he’s getting some results. David’s working out okay for her because he’s getting some money on the side for Britain and Dave’s friends to go out to fancy restaurants… but Britain’s poorer friends can’t afford to come along which is a bit upsetting.
Then there’s Ed! Nice Ed! He’s not quite as handsome and sometimes listening to him is a bit of a struggle. He has good stories Britain likes listening to – but it takes him ages to spit it out. He’s very serious which makes Britain feel sophisticated, but he’s also really sassy which makes her feel protected. But is she really after the sassy serious man? Sure, he will keep her content and he’ll take her to the cinema every week, but it’ll be the cinema every week and that’s all she’s getting. On the plus side – he will also pay for all Britain’s friends to come! Cinema for everybody! And it’s not even a Wednesday.
Then there’s Natalie from Class Green. Although Britain and Natalie get along and have a good time, she was friendzoned a while ago. Oh Nat, you have nice ideas and Britain likes the things you talk about and wishes that the others were more like you. But Britain just isn’t attracted to you in that way! She’s fine hanging out every now and then but after a few dates with you, Britain has soon realised that the lovely things you are promising just aren’t feasible. It’s really nice Natalie that you want to move to Hollywood with Britain and let her be a movie star and a pop star and give her lots of money whilst you both fly to the moon – but Britain is a bit unsure that you have the capacity to do those things.
Whilst looking around for her next mate, Britain spots Nick! Her current boyfriend’s best mate. Nick’s always around. Britain chills with him every now and then but doesn’t really take an interest in him that much. He’s at parties and nobody knows why - like who invited him? Who even likes him? He’s only there to vote on what song to put on Spotify and he always votes for what everyone else wants anyway. Nick’s a bit boring and wears yellow which is a terrible colour.
Oh look there’s Nicola from Class SNP! Nicola is from a little village on the outskirts of the city borders where Britain goes to school. Nobody really minds her until she starts blabbering away about her little village and how nobody pays them any attention. Britain is friends with Nicola. Nic occasionally leans in for a kiss, but that’s all she ever wants so Britain gives her a little peck to keep her sweet. But this time Nicola is really trying. Britain is a bit annoyed with Nicola for trying to upset the balance of what she is used to – but everyone in Nicola’s village thinks it’s about time Britain gave Nicola a go! She could even go to Nic’s village and pay everyone there a little bit of attention every now and then!
Britain is just so confused so goes to the pub with her friends – only for a lemonade of course. All these options are okay but they just aren’t quite good enough. They all have flaws and her current relationship just isn’t how she imagined it. Dave then texts her being really nasty and Britain feels all disillusioned and upset. Britain orders a vodka and coke or ten. It’s only The Red Lion so the landlord doesn’t check for ID. The drunker and angrier Britain gets, the more vocal the drunk old racist man at the end of the bar gets too. He’s making racist jibes and talking a load of rubbish that doesn’t make any sense. But then he listens to Britain and agrees that Dave isn’t what she needs right now and that the other options aren’t the greatest. He gives his phone number to Britain and says she is welcome to ring whenever. Britain is drunk and angry so takes his number and considers this new man – Nigel from the pub – as an option for a boyfriend too!
So Britain has the choice to choose between Bad-boy Dave, Sensible and Sassy Ed, Idealistic Nat, Anonymous Nick, Out-of-town Nic or Nigel from the pub.
Who will Britain choose?
Well, just like the X Factor, you can help Britain choose and go and vote on the 7th of May after you’ve now read my obviously accurate analysis on the General Election 2015.