When researching for cute Valentine’s articles, I accidentally came across some of the world’s most terrible, depressing, and hilarious advice. Rather than laugh and move on, I thought I’d share some of the very worst with you all…

1. "Take a leaf out of Zlatan Ibrahimovic's book;

When asked what he got his partner on her birthday he replied;

'Nothing, she already has the Zlatan.'

This sentiment can easily be applied to Valentine's day."


Whatever you do- do NOT take a leaf out of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s book. I feel fairly convinced that once he said this, his girlfriend did not want “the Zlatan” anymore. Especially as I’ve just googled him and he looks like a creepy magician.


2. "Just turn off your tech for 24 hours. These days, we are all addicted to our smartphones and social media feeds. Give your Sweetheart the gift of your undivided attention for Valentine's Day"- https://ptmoney.com/cheap-valentines-day-ideas/

So don’t get me wrong, not going on your phone for a while is a nice thing to do… The time we spend with loved ones is often more valuable when we aren’t stressed or distracted. However, spending time with your partner as opposed to playing candy crush is NOT A GIFT. You should want to hang out with them out of choice… looking at their face instead of scrolling through insta shouldn’t really be a chore.



3. "Valentine's Day is not all about material objects. In fact, the more material it is, the less impressed she'll be. An electric razor? She'll be more likely to let her legs go prickly in protest than use it. If you want to purchase something, stick to the jewellery and lingerie." -https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/relationship-advice-valentines-day-tips
This advice is brilliant in two ways. Firstly, it reminds us all that all women only ever want jewellery and lingerie, all the time. And secondly, it reminds us that women having body hair is repulsive. I would recommend buying bae lingerie with a seal motif - so she remembers when she puts it on that she should be super smooth at all times.
4.  "I would be happy if my girlfriend cooked me anything wearing just an apron. Literally anything. Well, nothing with onions. Or if she planned the whole day herself — she knows what she wants to do on Valentine's Day more than I do. So she'd plan the whole day and I'd be a kind, gracious, loving boyfriend all day. — Sam, 21" - http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a53275/25-men-reveal-what-they-want-for-valentines-day/

I’ve legit got no idea why Sam is so keen for his girlfriend to be hideously burnt. Cooking in just an apron also doesn't exactly scream hygiene. To top it off he decides that the kindest thing to do is let her plan the day for herself and he’ll just show up. Nothing says love like agreeing to be present but putting no thought into it. I bet he always buys people gift cards.


5. "Buy her roses - If you can, it's great to have them ready in the morning to remind her you remembered. (With the card.) And quantity doesn't always matter. 1 rose can be as powerful as a dozen." - https://www.marsvenus.com/blog/john-gray/5-tips-for-men-on-valentines-day

This piece of “advice” is particularly depressing as the man who wrote it is claiming to be some kind of psychology professional. Another of his hints is literally “plan a date”, and so I began to scour his profile. Alarmingly, he wrote “the most well-known and trusted relationship book of all time, 'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus'”, a book that I sincerely hope no one has wasted their time reading.

Has anyone ever actually done this?! I’m sure I’ve seen it in a couple of films but surely actually doing it would just be a massive kerfuffle. Also, it’s England so it would probably be freezing cold and wet, and grey, and I feel like air balloon sickness is a real thing. This handy hint only ranked 96th in this particular list, but having read the whole thing… Number one was "kiss them"... seriously.
7. "There it is ladies; the best way to a man’s heart is through a lovely dinner spent with you where you show your appreciation and gratitude for his wise ways.  A little less makeup and his favourite outfit will put the icing on the cake, according to experts.  Enjoy your dinner combined with a getaway to a beautiful country inn, and you’ll both have your Valentine’s fantasy fulfilled."- 


Apart from the fact that this advice doubles as an advert for a “beautiful country inn company”, we can only hope that being asked to “show your appreciation and gratitude for his wise ways”, is a joke.


8. "Cheap guys rejoice: Most women just want a written love letter for Valentine's Day"- https://www.mensfitness.com/women/dating-advice/cheap-guys-rejoice-most-women-just-want-written-love-letter-valentines-day

It’s totally believable that women would like a heartfelt letter for Valentine's day- less believable is that they’d be as thrilled if they knew you were “rejoicing” about the fact it’s inexpensive. Write a love letter because you want to- not because you don’t want to spend a fiver on some chocolate.



So there it is... Even if you're worried you haven't done Valentine's day right... At least you're not any of these people, or their significant others. 

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